23 - The Plan

It's getting closer to Nadia's birthday, just a few weeks away. It's the only day I'll send her a text, having decided a couple years ago that beeing bothered by me won't do her any good. I send her one on her birthday to show that my lack of text doesn't mean I care any less about her and that I still think of her.

So here's what I'm going to do. Take a year from the 5th of December to write as often as I can about her, everything and anything. Stories, accounts, memories (good and bad) songs if I can. Anything to record the time we used to spend together. For my part I'll try and be as honest as I can. Say why I did things, what I wished would happen, what I hoped would happen and how I fell appart and became the quintessence of a person that I am and lead the fragmented existence that I do.

It might end up an exercise in therapy and I don't expect anyone will read it anyway but It'll be there. Let's walk through fire.... that's what I'll call it.

22 - I still miss someone

I went surfing this morning before work, the first time in a while. The conditions are never ideal around here and you always think 'why the fuck did I get up for this?' when it's dark and cold. But it was ok today - small, but clean and offshore. And anyway it's nice to just get out and be in cold water that early in the morning, when there's still a peace about the world. Sometimes I just sit there on my board beyond the breaks, looking out, waiting, thinking of things, finding the calm amongst the chaos.

I used to call Nadia after coming out of the sea because I'd be cold and probably out a lot sooner than the other guys. Today I was on my own and as I sat there on the breaks I started to cry.

21 - So many words still left to say

It didn't really work out for me did it? The eggs that I carried so carefully in my basket have all hit the floor, every single last one. All that's left are fragments, shells, reminders of what was once there.

The last one fell to the ground earlier this evening. I was supposed to be playing with Paper Aeroplanes tomorrow, just some glocks and things for their acoustic set. Just a small role in a band that I love but it's not going to happen. I actually thought things were finally looking up and this was something that could really go somewhere where I might be happy. I don't know exactly what happened but it doesn't really matter that much, all that counts is that I wasn't good enough.

I feel like such a twat. Rich said they can tell pretty much straight away if someone's gonna work or not and I just didn't. There were some things he said that really hurt but I'm not angry with him for that. I can't be really. I'm just disappointed and upset with myself. I'm not a strong person emotionally so stuff like this does tend to knock me for six. I'm definitely having one of those 'what the fuck am I doing exactly?' moments. I mean for fucks sake - guitar, bass, drums, glocks - what the fuck do I actually play? I might aswell attach a pair of splash cymbals on my knees and make a fucking circus act.

I've only felt like this 3 times. The first time was when I was cut (wrongly so) from a rugby team. The second was when I was rejected (rightly so) by Nadia. The third was today. Of all those, the second was definitely the worst and I could so easily have died and I still sometimes wish I had. Rejection, it's the worst thing for me - totally one sided. You have no argument, it's black and white and you're the other one. And it hurts when you're the one that's left behind.

And the three things that I've lived for these 27 Septembers have all gone. Rugby - gone. Someone you love - gone. Music - gone. That was it. Those were my eggs, gone.

When I woke up this morning I was a translator who was playing with a really cool band. When I wake up tomorrow I'll just be a translator.

20 - Begw

I met Begw in New Zealand. Well, that's not strictly true... She was my friends younger sister and lived in my street when we were in school. We'd spoken a few times but not porperly.

She had allready been out in New Zealand for 6 months before I got there. Our mums urged us to get in touch so I did, thinking we could have a couple of drinks sometime - I mean how often do you meet someone from the same street on the other side of the world? I think we met under the sky tower in Auckland - pretty easy to find I suppose. I saw her standing there. Funky clothes and long blonde dreads. Cool as fuck. I walked towards her debating whether I should hug or kiss or what but before I could weigh up the options I was hugged and kissed like a long lost child!

What started out as a drink ended up in about a zillion coffee's and me staying on her floor in Auckland for a few weeks in the house where she au-paired. I helped out with the two boys - Tom and Daniel, aged 3 and 1 respectively - if you consider teaching the guitar helping out. And I was really sad to be leaving. Tom didn't understand me leaving, bless his little socks. He said "but.... I love him!"

I've just got back from Aberdeen where Begw is currently studying Anthropology in the University there. They call it the 'Granite City' because of all the grey buildings. Seriously, somedays you can't tell the sky from the building from the roads and pavements from the sea. It's one hell of a grey place. I think you need a heart of granite and an iron will to get by there sometimes, especially in winter. But Begw just melts it all away with her inate lovliness and ability to see the good in all people.

I met her at the train station. Same warm hug and kiss as always. It had been a while - she was been to South America over the summer months so I hadn't seen her in ages. It was good to see her. The dreads have gone and her hair is now a deep delicious black. I think it suits her better. She looks amazing anyway. She showed me her new tatoo - one which goes all the way down her spine, but in a nice tasteful way as opposed to most of the ones I see. We had loads to talk about and did so over americano's (black, always) and it was just nice to be in her presence I could just sit all day as long as she was there.

It's so worth the effort. Aberdeen is one helluva journey from Wales. I had to go to Edinburgh on the plane then the train for another 3 hours and it does take it out of you but it's only my time and that's nothing worth keeping for yourself when you can give it to someone so special.

We went to see Al Lewis and Sarah Howells play in the Lemon Tree in Aberdeen which was just lovely and afterwards we went out with them to see a traditional (but not so much) Scottish band play in a place called The Blue Lamp. We danced our little hearts out and It ended up being quite a late one but I was so glad to see everyone have such a good time - and all because of Begw!

I hate to leave, especially now because Aberdeen is even begining to weigh on the spirit of the most beautiful person I know. She's gonna be ok though, as long as all the people she gives so much too give some of it back to her when she needs it.

I sometimes have to remind myself she's only 22.

19 - Imaginary conversation between me and Nads

This is how it would go...

Me: Hey Nadia!

Nad: Hey Stranger

Me: How are you?

Nad: Not too bad thanks you?

Me: Yeh, allright like. What you been up to?

Nad: Just work

Me: Oh

Nad: What are you doing with yourself these days?

Me (secretly): Just spending everyday wishing I hadn't totally fucked myself up falling in love with you and wishing that I hadn't fucked things up so badly that we could never be together. Floating about in a kind of death-walk wishing that I'd realised that when times were hard on us both I should be have just been patient so that you could have grown to like me over time instead of fucking myself up with drugs and knives so much that you could never like me again. All I am now is basically just Someone who has your number memorised but never uses it. Someome who thinks he's getting by then starts to panic and have heart palpitations just by seeing someone who knows you. Someone who lives in the darkness of painful memories of a time that was so fucking bad he should have died but keeps going back because its still the only thing he has of you. Someone who will always be alone. Someone who regrets and always will. Someone who holds on to the fragments of good that once came into his life. Someone who will always love you.

Me (actually): Ah nothing much, just...keeping busy

18 - You

So many words still left to say
The hand of fate stole you away
Then you left one hollow day
Dancer in the dark

But it's you who lingers on
It's you who spurs me on
It's you
Dancer in the dark

Then you came to rescue me
wrapped me up and set me free
from all my naiveity
Days and days we made

But it's you I never leave
It's you on constant lean
It's you
Guidence in the dark

Then I needed someone else
I tried too hard, forgot myself
Like a point upon the shelf
Seagulls in the sun

But it's you I can't forget
It's you I could regret
It's you
Days and days we made

my friend Sarah Howells wrote this song and I'm honoured to have the opportunity of performing it with her in Swn Festival, Cardiff on Friday October 23. Check out her myspace! www.myspace.com/paperaeroplanes or www.myspace.com/sarahhowellsmusic

17 - Invisible boy

Well I guess that i'd died with my friends at my side
puzzled young faces just slipped away slowly
I thought of the times I was drunk on a railway
Lamented the time time I was smashed in the square

So around I did wander for to find my way home
My feet made of nothing it's harder to run
I trooped up the coastline I walked on the moors
where lonely white rivers lead to glorious far away shores

And every now and again
I go into town just to see my old friends
It's such an odd feeling
Their eyes burn like embers
The minds are these forests
Where thoughts fall like timber
Before I'm dragged away
Every now and again

Now I have no form I can climb in her spine
Her blood is like wine to a ghost drunk on sadness
and times moves on slowly
In time I'll forgive her
Cause when she holds hands with him
I know she is thinking of me

Every now and again
I like to imagine
And I like to pretend
It's a glorious feeling
Cause I'll be remembered
For all my good deeds
these 18 Decembers
Before I'm dragged away
Every now and again

Outside of the book there is no reservation
Unvalued alone threaten me with a home
And heaven above has no map or direction
When ever you can, cast the clouds to the shadows for me

Yes I'll try without him
to seek others like me who I might befriend
It dries like a madness
There's no way to reach them
you catch just a glimpse
But you never can touch them
Before you're dragged away
Every now and again